I hope everyone is doing fine.... Sorry that I've been away for so long. A lot of things have transpired since the last time I blogged. Some were good and some were devastating. Regardless of the issue it was a learning experience for all of us...
At times I didn't know if I was coming or going and I would reach out to my dearest friend Alan whom I met on twitter who was also a foster child. He understood my daughters and was able to help me understand them. He has really made this adoptive parent transition a lot easier. He makes me think outside of the box and to look from the view of my daughters and where they came from and How I can help them through love and patience. I wanted to share with you all on the things that he shared with me that has helped me in my troubling times as an adoptive parent and troubling times for my daughters. These quotes and encouragements has made us stronger.
Me (April 2015)
Mr. Alan,
This is Vanessa from We Were You and I just want to thank you for allowing me to contact you concerning my daughters. First I want to give you a brief background on my daughters and I. I met my daughters and their 4 other siblings at my school. I was one of my daughters teachers for two years. When we found out that they were the last two siblings in foster care that was not adopted my husband and I decided to adopt them. They are in constant contact with their other siblings.
My issue is with my daughters we are still going through the rejection stages they know that we love them but they won't allow us to love them they still have walls up. They act up in school so bad that their teachers has requested to conduct an IEP on them. One teacher stated that when the oldest child comes to school she has to ask her who are you today are you "Sarah" ? This just hurts my heart because this other person is starting to take over her only at school. So now they want to do a psycho evaluation on her. The state has stopped their therapy sessions and all due to financial issues so they say....
Some days I just don't know if I'm coming and going.... I try to help them as much as I can but I don't know how to deal with their emotional issues. I'm going to stop here because I'm beginning to cry because I just want the best for my daughters
Alan (April 2015)
ok, first of all, you are doing what you can to protect them, but in order for them to realize that they are ok you have to show them not tell them. Their teachers need to empower them not discipline them. Discipline only gets them the energy they are used to and that is what needs to change. You have to love them through the acting out, they have had people leave them and so it hurts them so deeply they have developed a sense of self that is in such pain. You need to love them through them pushing and pushing and pushing.
When they act this way you need to say things like I love you and if you need or want my attention I am right here and whether you like it or not I will be here always for you. It is easier for them to try to push you away before you can leave them even though you won't they don't believe that yet! Trust through it all is what needs to be built one baby step at a time. Talk to them, ask them what they need, what they want and how you can go about helping them find it. Open, honest, thoughtful communication and acting on your love will help you all get through this. Always talk with them and allow them to be open with you and I promise you things will change. Just don't give up on them. the ones toughest to love are the ones that need it the most.
And the most important thing is not to take their feelings personally. They have built these painful reflexes long before you decided to love them
It takes 30 days to form a habit and a lifetime to overcome it.
We need to overcome our past selves that were broken by others so we can rebuild from the foundation of our true SOULS.
Alan (June 2015)
How's things?
Me
Well on Wednesday the oldest one had to leave summer camp due to her out of control behavior but after that day she's been ok.... The youngest also got in trouble on Friday from summer camp
Alan
ok, a tough transition for sure. It is never easy to do new things without the people you trust near you... But through all these struggles let the light shine on you all... For it is in these moments that you find your true strengths!
Me
Wow love how you said that......... Thank you so much for thinking and caring about us big brother....
it lives in you so share it boldly with each other and then the world...
Let's fast forward to April 2016.... My daughters have accomplished so much since last year...
If you enjoyed this post, I’d be very grateful if you’d help it spread by emailing it to a friend, or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook. Thank you!
-Vanessa
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